The Reflected Self (2024)

a review by Evan Landon

When it comes to low budget indie movies, the truth is that a script has to find a way to work around that fact. Covering up where you lack and highlighting your strengths becomes the ultimate goal for any good filmmaker. Sure, there are as many prevailing movies that go for it all without said budget, but then your entire cast and crew has to go through rewrites after rewrites, ultimately having too many hands in the pot. In major studios, producers, marketing agents, and studio heads will waste more money on reshoots and hiring a dozen writers than just going with the original story the writer who created it could even fathom. Does that make any sense to you? Nope.

What movies that do not have the luxury of a major studio budget must do is utilize the most important part of any story and that is keeping that original idea at it's fundamental level and building around it. That is exactly what The Reflected Self does; it uses it's main players in a setting that can benefit the plot which is not a very simple one. Here, a man and his sister move into a house they inherited, but then the man is tormented by visions of a ghost that plagues the home. What starts off as a ghost story in a haunted house quickly unveils a story of a person struggling to cope with loss, how we as humans process grief, and our own overall sense of reality.

If this sounds like a cool concept, you're damn right it does! Where is lacks, the film purposefully and successfully pulls off such an arduous endeavor for it's viewer. The three actors (yes, only three) are able to weave the tapestry of this film without using big budget special effects or strenuous CGI which it certainly does not need. Writer/director Kelvin Richards really capitalizes on his abilities in his latest full-length effort, all the while never letting his audience to remain in one state of mind. The settings change as much as the characters do, unwinding a yarn that takes a minute for everyone to ponder. Thus, the title The Reflected Self.

I would be remiss if I did not mention the pacing, to which seems a bit more erratic than the score by Luca Fagagnini is somber, yet more than apropos to give a sense of eeriness that coalesces with the picture. It is almost as if every time reality shifts for the main character, changing positions of abnormality in an ultimately confusing world, is the one that they inhabit at that time. It is almost as if through our subconscious, we notice that even our footsteps cause as much change as the lighting when things shift. These are the subtle nuances that I spoke of earlier. If I were to speak to the writing, the script seems tailor made to keep the audience confused which it is supposed to, so that should never be admonished, by any means. There is an issue with how the second act struggles to keep the viewer engaged with an almost 10 minute long soliloquy in attempt to explain the plot that serves to only bewilder viewers, yet is completely undone in the final cut scenes.

At a an estimated budget of £50,000, The Reflected Self is streamed on Amazon Prime where it will likely grab a new audience of psychological thriller fans and, all-in-all, there are much worse movies out there to watch. It won a bunch of awards last year including, but not limited to the Indie Filmmaker Awards for Best Picture, Megaflix for Best Thriller, and a finalist in the Lytham International Film Festival.

If you like psychological thrillers that engages with it's audience in each and every scene that is not really on anyone else's radar, this is definitely the movie for you.

3 Out Of 5

Don’t Mess With Grandma/(Sunset Superman) (2024)

a review by Evan Landon

“The night has a thousand eyes

But he moves in only places

Where the eyes can never be”

• Dio

Obviously, this ripping song from 1987 was the inspiration for the original name of this 2024 indie action comedy from writer/director Jason Krawczyk of He Never Died fame, which I did a review on that one a few years ago, if you wanted to check it out. They did have to change the name of it to Don't Mess With Grandma, even though the main character calls her “Granna”, but that might be because Dio would only let them use the song during one of the big fight scenes and not the title of the film.

In this story, a man named Jasper goes to see his grandma at her badass house in the middle of nowhere that has been staked out by a gang of thieves that want to steal from her house. It turns out Jasper is an ex-army ranger and you bet your ass he ain't putting up with that shit, so this one man army teaches them a lesson!

The writing is batshit insane. The plot does not make a lick of sense, as well as whatever choices the characters make, like why doesn't he want his grandma to know the house is being invaded? I also thought the gang's intentions were a little muddled, so I was a little let down that it was not something deeper than the vague reason they give. The banter between all of the characters is probably my favorite part though because it all comes out so naturally between the characters. That is also a testament to the actors who are complete unknowns aside from Michael Jai White, who is moving just a little bit slower than when I last saw him in Black Dynamite, and a completely unrecognizable Billy Zane as the gang's leader. Also, great job from Jackie Richardson as Granna Terwilliger (if you get the reference of the surname, you rock) and a pitbull who I hope is not Cooper the dog that they dedicated the movie to in the credits.

The music is pretty on point, not just with the Dio needle drop, but with the scoring by Jack Graubard and music supervisor John Finegold that really captures the overall feel of the movie. The film editing is very good too, so it looks and sounds much more expensive than it actually was and that is incredibly difficult to pull off even when you do have the budget for it, which was $1.5 million. Since it is a Tubi original, that is where it went and that is where stays, so that is place to watch it.

For a movie that makes a lot of strange decisions with glaring plot holes, it is better to just turn your brain off and enjoy it as much as the cast making it did. You can definitely tell they had a great time and that bleeds through the screen.

There is not much gore, except for the only death in the movie where Michael Jai White sings Dio's “Holy Diver” to ease the prowler’s passing in a blood-covered bathtub. That is what kind of movie this is. Don't dig any deeper.

2.5 Out Of 5

AZRAEL (2024)

a review by Evan Landon

Many years after the Rapture...
Among the survivors,

some are driven to renounce

their sin of Speech.

“From all my transgressions deliver me.

I have become Mute, I open not my mouth.”

Those are pretty much the only words spoken, read, or heard in the entire film of 2024's action horror cinematic piece which is exactly the kind of movie that will always get a good nod from me. To be perfectly honest, this should have been in my Top 10 Bestest Films of 2024, but it was beat out by only a couple. Even upon viewing it a second time, I like it even more because there is so much that is missed when the exposition is omitted and even though that is exactly what is missing from movies these days, it also allows a lot of the story to fall through the seams.

The story follows a girl who, in the near future or after “The Rapture”, is trying to escape the commune she is in with her boyfriend, but is immediately snatched up by enforcers in the commune to be sacrificed to the demonic beings in the forest that they reside. She is able to escape, but then makes the decision to exact revenge after being hunted for whatever religious reasons the cult has. That turns out to be a prophecy told through drawings that the pregnant cult leader has drawn on the walls that even foretell the fall of humanity itself through her actions. “Azrael” is also a strange name to pick because it is the name of a demon from a bunch of television and film. That could lend some insight into the character and plot, but that is pure speculation though.

All of this is told without words because the cult all have crosses on their throats to take away their voices, so even if they wished to speak, that was taken away from them most likely at birth. So there is a very strong religious context right off the bat, or that of religious cults anyways. Through one interaction alone, we find out that they are not the only survivors, but I won't spoil that for you.

Samara Weaving continues to blow me away with the roles she picks because she is on screen almost the entire 85 minutes and she does it so gracefully that it almost seems like she is naturally made for this kind of movie, but that is like every movie she is in. To carry a film like this with absolutely no dialogue, and make it seem so effortless, truly speaks to how far she has come as an actress in such a short time. Director E.L. Katz is also able to frame this story in such a way that you are fully invested without being told what is going on through dialogue; you just get it. He also heaps a lot of the gore in and you know I am down for that. If not, this movie would kind of suck, so that is a tight rope to walk as a filmmaker with only two films under his belt (Cheap Thrills, Small Crimes) and he does it so well that this movie is his defining work thus far.He had the first short in ABCs of Death 2 and some producer and writing credits along with his brother too, but this one really takes the cake in his filmography.

For such a simple premise, the film does kind of tie it's own hands by not telling the viewer what is going on, merely letting them infer through actions in a first person narrative that never treats the audience as if they are stupid. Again, it is a very tight rope to walk that is done very well and any fan of horror would absolutely dig this movie the same way I did. The only thing that would be a drawback is the absence of exposition, but there is a very strong story here that will keep the viewer from ever turning away.

Azrael had a very small release, as well as a few festivals, only garnering $617,280 on a budget of $12 million before being dumped to streaming on Shudder through IFC Films, but it is always hard to gauge what any movie makes through streaming. Until we know that, those are the numbers we have for this overlooked gem.

Truthfully, I have a feeling that this one will be a cult classic in the very near future.

3.5 Out Of 5

Top 10 Bestest Films of 2024

a review by Evan Landon

Before we get to the list, let's remind ourselves of a few things:

1. This is just my personal list, so take from that what you will. Or just make your own. Fuck it.

2. There were a lot of movies that came out last year, so no, I did not see every single one.

3. If I did a review on it already this year, it will not appear on any lists I make because I already did it. If you think I am missing something, it is most likely somewhere in there.

4. Most lists have a lot of major studio films on their lists, but they get enough promotion or enough shit from everyone else that they don't need mine. Like I just said, it has already been done.

So, after burying some 2024 turds (because there certainly was a lot), here is my TOP 10 BESTEST FILMS OF 2024! Most of these are considered horror, but that should not stop you from checking these out. Unless you are a pussy, in which case you should go back to crime dramas, rom-coms, and Disney animated movies because you probably will never even touch this shit. That being said...

10) TERRIFIER 3 – If you already know about the Terrifier series, you probably already know what to expect with this film equivalent of a “geek show”, so I will not bother you with the details of what exactly happens in this movie. To tell you the truth, I was not even a fan of the first two Terrifier movies. It might sound weird, especially if you know me and the type of movies I enjoy, but the appeal of just straight up gore with no real story does not appeal to me. I just get bored. That is why this one surprised me! Yes, the kills are just as disgusting and creative, with the use of practical effects doing overtime, which is always awesome. This time, however, Damien Leone is able to add a little more story to his franchise that the viewer can actually somewhat grasp on to. Also, word is that the next one sends the nefarious “Art The Clown” (worst & best Halloween costume ever) and the series surviving final girl to Hell and you better bet that shit is gonna be wild!
3.5 Out Of 5

9) MADS – Yknow what is weird about this movie, aside from everything that happens in this taught, French horror thriller? There is hardly any information on it, despite who made it and starred in it, which really begs the question of how many films are just left out to hang by major distribution companies in the United States. That shit has to change because, holy hot damn, this movie was so fucking good! The movie is supposedly shot in one take, but that should not take away from the timeline of how fast this shit moves from scene-to-seen. The movie follows a teenager graduating from college who decides to get some drugs to celebrate. He takes them. Whilst driving home, a woman in a hospital gown gets in his car, then a certain chaos ensues that could only be described by the way newcomer director Davis Moreau can spin. What seems like a “found footage film” turns out to be the drug-addled fuel of three separate stories revolving around the characters loosing their fucking minds. It is not a “found footage film”, by the way. It is shot very much the same way though and that is what makes it great because the loss of perception of each character is what is entertaining. The character of Ana made me laugh for most of the film. That is how good she was!
3.5 Out Of 5

8) STOPMOTION – Stopmotion animation could never have been achieved without the exemplary works of Ray Harryhausen and this movie really delves into that as its achievement. The continuous overuse of computer generated images might also be an underlying theme, but that is why it takes years to achieve create when studios do not have the patience to wait that long. Filmmaker Robert Morgan was able to get the fourth largest amount of production funding from the British Film Institute for 2022 at £905,000 after working for more than a decade of short films, but only after principle photography with the film's actors had begun. The movie follows the story of a woman who desperately wishes to be as great of a stopmotion animator as her overbearing mother after her mysterious accident, but is consistently told by her employers to make whatever they want to make as they take her animation pieces and give her nothing but insults in return. As a young girl enters her life, reality blurs with imagination as the characters begin to take on their own lives. The entire thing is like an acid trip gone bad. If you have ever seen aTool video, you definitely know what to expect when the shit really hits the fan.
4 Out Of 5

7) MONKEY MAN – At first, when I saw the title Monkey Man, I just thought “what a stupid fucking name” without truly knowing what the movie was about. I have seen some Dev Patel films (Slumdog Millionaire, The Green Knight) that I absolutely thought he did a fantastic job in, so for his first outing as director, producer, and director should be something I would sort of expect to see. What I got instead was a John Wick-style movie that is a commentary on the corruption of the caste system, discrimination, and corruption that surrounds the Indian culture told through a story of revenge and redemption in Hindu mythology. If that sounds a little too much to really take in as to not enjoy it, it does not come off that way at all. Beginning in the streets of Mumbai, bareknuckle fighting under a monkey mask to make ends meet, our main character known only as “kid” finds his way to the top of the corrupt hierarchy to exact revenge on his mother's killers, all the while helping the downtrodden rejects that still believe in salvation. It is in subtitles too, but you don't even really need them for everything that happens here. That is how good it is.
4 Out Of 5

6) THE DEVIL'S BATH – This one was a recent one to put on the list because there were so many movies that slipped by, but this one really left a mark on me. It is another one completely in subtitles, but that does not matter in the leastest bit. Pretty much every movie on here could be in a different language and it would resonate the same. This one states, at the very beginning, that it is based off 18th-century German-Austrian lore that has some incredibly questionable themes, as far as the folklore and time period go. Every single scene is teetering on the edge of realism and disbelief, so much so that I cannot even describe any of the scenes to you without you either saying “no, that never happened” and “I cannot believe that is what it was like” and that is one of the reasons it is so damn good. What is incredible is how a single tale of harrowing agony not only embraces the time period, but flawlessly tasks itself with unrelentingly depicting each and every malicious deed to the viewer. Filmmakers Severin Fiala and Veronika Franz made a film that not only brings you into a different reality, but are able to concisely illustrate the very nature of religion and humanity. Many consider this to be “unwatchable”, but that is up to you. I, myself, have already watched it three times.
4 Out Of 5

5) STRANGE DARLING – If you are not a fan of Kyle Gallner, please begin now! Because, holy shit, we have seen this kid take some incredibly interesting roles and just knock them out of the fucking park! When I first saw this, I had no idea what to expect and that is what made it the so good. I implore you to do the same! Willa Fitzgerald also does a fantastic job in her titular role in this extremely stylized example of how to play a vixen who has a malicious intent, but is forever willing to get into the same preferences. Through amazing, inspired storytelling of first time director JT Mollner, the entire structure of the film is split up into pieces at the very beginning that resembles chapters in a book that are taken out of order, much in the same way Tarantino made popular so many years ago. As much as many people consider this to be a horror flick, it is much more in-depth than that. You really have to walk into this magnificent film not knowing anything about it because they certainly were cautious about revealing anything through the trailers or reviews. It is a certainly entertaining surprise of a film, in almost every aspect, and is definitely worth a watch!
4 Out Of 5

4) LATE NIGHT WITH THE DEVIL – Upon first viewing, I knew how much I would love this movie; so much so, that I even kind of held off on it because I knew it would make my bestest of 2025 list. I thought it would be numero uno, all the way up until I saw the three others ahead of it, to which only came out in the last few months of the year. Boy howdy, was I right about this one! Australian brothers Colin and Cameron Cairnes burst onto the scene with 2012's 100 Bloody Acres, then 2016's Scare Campaign that turned a lot of heads, but it was not until last year that they came out with the prolific and austere Late Night With The Devil. I have used the word “inspired” before, but that is the bestest word to describe it because this one is off the rails. Also, I know a lot of people have said this about the film, but David Dastmalchian finally gets his chance to carry a film and yknow what? He fucking nails it! It does sometimes drag, but that is obviously on purpose, and I admire that. Most awesome ideas sound somewhat stupid on paper while terrible ideas sound great. This one sounds absurdly dumb on paper, but it sticks the landing all the way around.

4 Out Of 5

3) SMILE 2 – I know a lot of people do not really remember the Power Rangers movie from 2017, but the character of Kimberly (the pink ranger) was played by a little known actress by the name of Naomi Scott. Holy fucking hell, has this girl come a long way! Carrying a film with such a terrible load as Smile 2 may seem daunting, but Scott does it with such poise and prowess that anybody who is watching the film must be asking themselves where this girl came from. In only his second outing as a feature-length filmmaker, Parker Finn is quickly becoming a stalwart in the field of horror. What I was afraid of was that when this movie came out, if it would convey the thought of the original story: we would forget the fact that it was something that could be easily made into a sequel. Every single scene is worth watching and many compare it to the original and that might be why it did not get the numero uno spot on this list. Welp, ya definitely won the pony here, Parker Finn. What’s next on the menu? Smile 3, or something else? Let it roll, babay!
4.5 Out Of 5

2) THE SUBSTANCE – In movies like this, a lot of times, we forget what “substance” is... I think, that in more words than less, what we consider “The Self” is less of an omission than expository nonsense. Our words are considerably less when they are meant with contempt, yet structure. The friction is that it would never make sense, even if it did. What are emotions? What are age? Even, what is age? The forethought of human emotion is not anymore lessened to me than anyone else, but what is the cost? We, as people, dwell on how other people look to us more than they look at us. That is what The Substance is about: our unfamiliarity with what is capable in ourselves, much less our own bodies, souls, whatevs... All of our world is stuffed with absences of things that could help, but we could easily trade it for another existence that we do not even frequent. I do not even wish to mention how many peeps love this fucking film, but if you know my love for body horror... oh baby, it's got it! I will give you the spellbound on this though: an aging model wants to be younger, takes a drug that will allow her to live as her younger self for a week, then has to transform back into her older self. Chaos ensues when the younger version refuses to switch back. Shout out to Margaret Qualley for becoming the new thirst trap for any fan of horror and to Dennis Quaid & the seemingly ageless Demi Moore for getting involved in this project that must have seemed below them. This is writer/director/producer/editor Coralie Fargeat’s second outing as a filmmaker, so I implore anyone that enjoyed this film to check out her debut, Revenge from 2017. Maybe I will review that one next… Maybe.

4.5 Out Of 5

1) NOSFERATU – yeah, of course it would be this one? Let's just call it a night before I lose my mind telling you about the cinematography, the storytelling, the acting, and just admit that even my bestest of cinemaphile friends also consider this the TOP! Robert Eggers even said that this was the reason he made The Witch, The Lighthouse, or The Northman, yet I promise that all of these movies are definitely worth a watch every single time, so do not discount that! The man shot it all on 35mm film which is not seen a bunch these days, so that is what adds to the already mystifying allure. You really have to understand the story of Dracula for me to really describe it to you, but this is not your usual vampire movie. In fact, it might be much better than I am even letting on, but that is just my opinion. It is about twice as long as the original, but the remake by Werner Herzog in 1979 was very good as well. The first one was a reprise of the Bram Stoker's Dracula by F.W Marnau in 1922, to which was buried under the ashes of not only filmmakers themselves, but licensees and ones that garnered ownership of the protected property. We still find our way back to it though and if'n this is our endeavor, I am all for it. I must give the flowers to Lily-Rose Depp, Nicholas Hoult, Aaron Taylor-Johnson, and Willem Dafoe (of course), but I honestly could not see Bill Skarsgård underneath all of that make up and effects, but this is one of the times that it works. Some peeps I know would not pick this one, but make your own opinions (as always). This is the one to see more the others on this list from 2024 alone! You can completely disagree with me on any of these and make your own list. But you should watch all 10 of these 2024 films, in my humble opinion.

4.5 Out Of 5

Happy New Year 2025! I am definitely excited to see what this year brings. Cheers!

Top 10 Worstest Films of 2024

a review by Evan Landon

Before we get to the list, let's remind ourselves of a few things:

1. This is just my personal list, so take from that what you will. Or better yet, just make your own! Fuck it.

2. There were a lot of movies that came out last year, so no, I did not see every single one.

3. If I did a review on it already this year, it will not appear on any lists I make because I already did it. If you think I am missing something, it is most likely somewhere in there.

4. Most lists have a lot of major studio films on their lists, but they get enough promotion or enough shit from everyone else that they don't need mine. Like I just said, it has already been done.

So, without further ado, let's get to burying some of these 2024 turds because there certainly was a lot. No need to worry, however, because I will be posting my TOP 10 BESTEST OF 2024 after we throw these right into the bin. Let's go!

10) BLINK TWICE – I really do like Zoë Kravitz because I was always a fan of her parents, Lenny Kravitz & Lisa Bonet. However, despite those wonderful genes they passed on to her, she has not really been able to really translate that into being a filmmaker. That could with time though, so one of Time magazine's 100 most influential people of 2022 should be able to pull that out. What I thought was a somewhat original premise for Blink Twice somehow found a way to seem contrived and regurgitated. The unnatural pacing along with the uninteresting characters packed into an already convoluted plot not only serves to bewilder the viewer, but also bore them into wishing the plot would just unfold and get going which it never really does. With an ending that should result in celebrating with the main characters, it just ends up a mix of perplexing and downright irritating. A lot of peeps enjoyed this one, so make your own decision here.

1.5 Out Of 5

9) THE CROW – It has been very well documented how much I hate reboots, remakes, sequels, prequels, and re-imaginings, so it should be no surprise to anyone that one of the most maligned reboots of 2024 was this travesty would be on this list. Director Rupert Sanders was brought in after dozens of rewrites, actors dropping off, and even original The Crow director Alex Proyas attempting to stop the reboot because “It's not just a movie that can be remade. It's one man's legacy. And it should be treated with that level of respect” in regards to Brandon Lee from the first film and audiences felt the same way. The character of Eric Draven was completely misused, as well as the whole first half of the movie that is supposed to be a love story we give a shit about. The only reason it is not higher on the list is that I have seen worse versions of The Crow, but it is pretty bad anyways, so you could easily miss this iteration.

1.5 Out Of 5

8) THE WATCHERS – M. Night Shyamalan was not the only one who shit the bed this year, but somehow he was able to drag both of his daughters into it. We'll get to that later. Written by Ishana Night Shyamalan, this drab, conventional young adult tripe attempts to be interesting without giving any true substance for character, pacing, or continuity. What would seem like an interesting premise twenty or thirty years ago has been slap-dashed together so many times by her own father that anything resembling something like this will turn away any viewer that has been burned by as much before. Even the usual intriguing character acting by Dakota Fanning is wasted with such a dull, unoriginal and equally uninteresting story. Whatever “Shyamalan Twist” anyone is expecting is forecasted by anyone who has seen any of her father's movies. The nepotism is strong with this one.

1.5 Out Of 5

7) LISA FRANKENSTEIN – Holy hot damn, did this movie just make me want to turn it off as soon as I started it. This “horror comedy” is anything but either. Kathryn Newton is starting to make some interesting choice, as far as her career goes (I did enjoy Supernatural, Freaky, & Abigail), but this was excruciating. I honestly could not tell you what this fucking movie is about because I don't think it even knows. I think at one point it tries to become a musical, but then it realizes blending all of that shit into one movie is just fucking stupid. It feels like the production crew would tap each other's nutsacks saying they did an awesome job, but nobody really watched anything. I was so bored watching this movie, I started feeling bad for the Frankenstein monster because someone brought him back to life to relive this shit.

1.5 Out Of 5

6) NIGHT SWIM – Kurt Russell's son, Wyatt, is becoming a better actor in every performance, but when you put him in shit like this, it really does take the shine off of what could end up being a stellar career. Will it sink it before it even starts? I don't think so. That being said, I am definitely not the only person that disliked this movie. There is a very clear reason why people do not like this movie: it's because it sucks. If you look up what this movie is about, I promise you that all that it just says “haunted swimming pool” and if you think that is interesting, I can also promise you that it is not. This would have been much better as a short film, so I suppose watch the first half hour and spare yourself the agonizing hour long rest of the film... Or watch the rest of it, yknow. Whatever. It’s your life. Blumhouse Productions will make money off this bullshit until they don’t.

1 Out Of 5

5) THE END – Co-produced and starring Tilda Swinton, this nouveax musical apocalypse story struggles to have any sense of relevance under the weight of its own pretentious bullshit. I don't mind musicals, but this one literally put me to sleep because the lyrics to the songs are insipid to the point of boredom and the music itself is not that much better. Oh, yeah, everything a character feels or tries to portray is done completely through song and dance. Wrap your head around that shit. Trying to find anything likable about a family of rich assholes living in a bunker after it is revealed that they are the reason the world ended is one of the most worthless things anybody could do with their time. It is also two and a half hours long, so take that into consideration too.

1 Out Of 5

4) THE FRONT ROOM – I was pretty excited for this one when it came out because it is directed by the Eggers Brothers for A24, starring Brandy Norwood, and based on a short story by the writer of The Woman In Black. What I watched was probably one of the most bewilderingly gross out films about an incontinent, racist mother-in-law that raised more questions than anything resembling an interesting story. It has a pretty intriguing premise, it just shits the bed. Literally. I have no idea what kind of movie the brothers thought they were making because the tone is all over the place. You can tell some of the more raunchy scenes are meant for comedic effect, but I would not even consider anything in this film is even slightly humorous. You could easily skip this shitfest.

0.5 Out Of 5

3) TRAP – I am positive that anyone familiar with Manoj Nelliyattu “M. Night” Shyamalan is not at all surprised that his latest film shows up higher up on this list than his aspiring daughter, as he made this movie as a promotional film for his oldest aspiring daughter, Saleka Shyamalan. It has been years since Manoj has made anything worth watching, so he continues his downward spiral in this completely unrealistic thriller attempting to resurrect the waning career of one Josh Hartnett and kickstart the career of his eldest daughter. The likable actor is partitioned to play a serial killer who is beset by the police at a bland popstar's concert. With every scene that passes, the unrealistic machinations of this script becomes more and more laughable until you realize that you have lost an hour and a half of your life you will never get back. There is one scene where “Lady Raven”, after being captured by the admitted killer, that she has to play her song on a piano, then her recorded song plays over it, and then she steals the killer’s phone and hides in his bathroom to stream to her friends that she has been kidnapped. That is the real “Trap” here. Fucking nonsense and nepotism without a thought of a semblance of reality.

0.5 Out Of 5

2) BORDERLANDS – I don't even know where to start with this travesty. I saw this hot garbage with the lowest expectations imaginable and it was somehow worse. I remember playing the first Borderlands game when that came out back in 2009, but I honestly do not even remember there being a storyline at all which could have been a good thing because whatever it was they wrote for this shit just did not work on any level. In fact, the original writer asked to have his name completely taken off the credits after he read the dozens of rewrites. Everything Eli Roth makes is questionable at best, but this one really takes the cake as his absolute worst. Cate Blanchett and Kevin Hart are hideously miscast, Jack Black has never been more insufferable, and Jamie Lee Curtis plays Blanchett's mother which makes no sense at all because they are almost the same age. If you find any joy when watching this movie, I would immediately seek professional help because you are seriously unwell. I felt unwell just from the camerawork itself. Good thing I didn’t eat lunch beforehand.

0.5 Out Of 5

1) THE MOUSE TRAP – Originally titled Mickey's Mouse Trap, this Canadian slasher horror reimagining of Walt Disney's 1928 animated short, Steamboat Willie, and following in the dubious footsteps of last year's absolute hands down worstest movie, Winnie-The-Pooh: Blood & Honey (to which the sequel did come out), it seems to be that every unoriginal horror flick wanna-be filmmaker is just awaiting all of these intellectual properties to fall into the public domain so they can create something purposefully putrid such as The Mouse Trap. If you enjoy movies that are “so bad, they are good”, you might be able to enjoy this. I would love to be in that category, but this was so awful that it made me physically ill. However, in the very rare case that you enjoy this somehow extremely niche market of generic filth, you should be happy to know that there is a whole pantheon of this nonsense that some group of doorknob scholars are attempting to put together. For everyone else, just... no. Never again. I am done. I am tapping out with this nonsense. You guys can watch it if you want, but I regret to inform you that it will not get any better. If you want it to get worse, you are going to have to pay me to fucking watch this fucking nonsensical bullshit…

Fuck this. I am getting a drink. Happy New Year emoji

0.5 Out Of 5

CHALLENGERS (2024)

a review by Evan Landon

Do you think tennis is a boring sport? Well, that is because it is. Next, is it really considered a sport? I mean, as much as golf is, I suppose. Now, is this movie about tennis entertaining? Marinate with that for a second. Seriously.

I would not say Challengers is a movie about tennis necessarily, but a love triangle between a bunch of nepo-babies who just happen to play tennis. If the fact that these kids have never had to live a day of work in their lives, you can see where these main actors get their inspiration from. They do not have to draw too heavily from the well of their acting chops, if you catch my drift.

Writer Justin Kuritzkes brings his awkward penning of a script about characters that nobody can relate to, as well as throwing his own uninteresting take on it whilst dragging the bloated corpse of whatever has become of director Luca Guadagnino's homoerotic filmography (Call Me By Your Name, We Are Who We Are, and the upcoming Queer based on the 1985 novella by Willaim S. Burroughs). There is nothing wrong with homoeroticism, don't get me wrong; it is in plenty of movies I have seen over the course of my years that are just fine. I don't mind it. However, when it seems to be the only reason that a person makes any movie, you start to realize that it is no longer just a kink for the filmmaker; it is a mission to no longer resolve underlying themes, but bring them right up to the surface to where the viewer cannot even admire subtleties and nuances of true art that allows the audience to subvert their attention. That is where I have an issue.

Of course, who am I to judge what “true art” is? A lot of my friends have told me that this was the bestest movie that they saw this year and I suppose I could see that from their perspectives. Maybe that is the “true art” of Challengers: to throw uncertainty into a banal ideal with the only certainty is that of convoluted drama and a script that makes as much sense as the back of a Count Chocula cereal box.

If you like seeing a bunch of spoiled, midgrade children try to find out if they are gay or not, constantly manipulated by a girl who obviously gets nothing but kicks out of pairing her ex-boyfriend and husband into having an affair, this might be the movie for you. Sometimes, they play tennis.

The acting is fine, if you don't mind Zendaya dry humping two guys that are heavily objectified or the fact that everyone looks like they have been sweating even when they aren't. The cinematography is interesting for the most part (a torrential storm during a supposed break-up), then just laughable at times (the perspective of a tennis ball). Since the soundtrack is scored by the great Trent Reznor, it starts off very intense, then just feels like the same fucking beat over and over again that I would not be surprised if he just fell asleep on his keyboard scoring this.

With an overall budget of $55 million, you have to really wonder where all that money went, but when you see how much it took to get Zendaya involved, it is not too difficult to see where the film hemorrhaged funds. It did pull in $96 million worldwide, so I suppose it could be considered a moderate success.

All-in-all, if this movie makes you want to go outside and be somewhat active, then this movie actually did something positive.

2 Out Of 5

Deadly Illusion (1987)

a review by Evan Landon

Ah, the days when you could go around assaulting people to get what you want, shoot down helicopters opening fire on a fine dining restaurant with a pistol, businessmen pretending to be someone else dealing hundreds of thousands of dollars in cash with Billy Dee Williams smacking bitches whilst drinking a Colt 45. So much has changed since the boomer era, I swear.

Q: Does a movie have to take place during Christmas, be released during Christmas, or be Christmas themed to be considered a holiday picture? Asking for a friend.

There are so many Christmas movies that people do not consider “Christmas movies” that many of them get pushed to the side, much like Deadly Illusion. In this forgotten VHS gem, Billy Dee plays a hard-nosed private eye name “Hamburger”, most likely because he gets beat up a lot. He also beats up a lot of people and shoots at board members in close chambers to get noticed, so that is something. But once a white collar businessman hires him to kill his wife, a whole conspiracy is unearthed. It's basically the same plot as Fletch, but the only costume Hamburger wears is Billy Dee. Plus, he shoots at people a lot, so that is different too.

Where do I start with what is wrong with this movie? Whatever passes for a plot is very quickly abandoned for grab-assing and illogical character devices. Again, you would not be able to get away with a movie like this these days and avoid controversy.

For what starts off as a paint-by-numbers detective thriller descends into a series of sparsely unrelated scenes where Billy Dee gets to fire a starter pistol at extras and make out with Morgan Fairchild. Accomplished exploitation director Larry Cohen wrote and directed this botched crime noir B-movie that went largely unnoticed at the box office, pulling in $626,724 against a budget of Twinkies and peanuts, so it's hard to say if you could consider this a success or not. I am going to suppose the latter.

To say that this is a “vanity” project would be too on the nose because Vanity plays his partner, so maybe you could say it ironically. This might be the only movie you get to see anyone committing a golf cart drive-by in Shea Stadium, much less Lando Calrissian. Thank god 'twas the offseason. He did take out the second Death Star, y'know.

“Rina, listen to me! How can I love you forever?” Billy Dee be smooth as silk, brah. Merry Christmas, kiddos!

2.5 Out Of 5

Destroy All Neighbors (2024)

a review by Evan Landon

Ah yes, the ever-loving embrace of a spattergore comedy. Oh, how I missed thee! From the over-the-top irreverence of Dead-Alive to the corporate takeover sludge of The Stuff, the much maligned or celebrated sub genre has always held a place in my heart.

I could never be able to tell you why that was because when I was growing up, I was never able to watch those kinds of movies. Anything that had any sort of horror vibe that freaked my dad out had left me bereft of viewing such films. Even the most basic and mild mannered thrillers never made it past our front door; however, action figures and Saturday morning cartoons of Robobop, Tales From The Crypt, Rambo, and even Toxic Avenger were all over the place and nobody seemed to bat an eye that marketing was obviously geared towards children. That is not a complaint, by any means, it was just something I noticed even at a young age.

As a story, there is not too much to truly unpack here: a squarely sound engineer, who is obsessed with mathematical prog rock, is fired from his job because of a fat corporate jingle schlub who sounds like a mix between Jimmy Buffett and Van Halen who dislikes his music, stating it sounded like “Emerson, Lake, and Palmer? Sounds like Emerson getting buttfucked by Lake and Palmer” which I thought was the funniest line of the film. Like I said, there is not a whole lot of meat to this film. There is a shitload of gross-out effects though, so if you are in to that, by all means, this is our film!

In a lot of ways, it reminded me of Freaked, a movie that was co-directed by Alex Winter of Bill & Ted's franchise in the early 90's to whom served as co-producer along with Jonah Ray Rodrigues (who plays the completely inept main character) and acted two different roles in this schlock-filled endeavor. I love both of those guys for their different portrayals in other projects and given the style of movie we are looking at, this one should be a slam dunk, right? Well...

As a person who truly adores the sub genre, the gore and effects are definitely up to par and the way it is shot in that style is impeccable. No problems there, at all! The issue is the pacing, the dialogue, it's consistency, and the overall storyline that seems somewhat smashed together. I don't think the problems were how many writers were there, but maybe the production cost and not having the most skilled at certain positions. Such problems could be more fitted to how a movie could be everything you could possibly dream for, but there is a lot lacking ~ story-wise.

Destroy All Neighbors was released streaming to Shudder, so if'n you don't have that, I have nothing else you will remotely understand in the next few reviews I do in the near future. It is getting more and more difficult, as a reviewer, to get the hard earned numbers from pieces such as this.

Not quite the ambitious feat one would compare to, this one falls a few steps short of what it was meant to show up as on the screen. It is my hidden gem this year, for whatevs reason.

Maybe I'll do Frankie Freako next.

2.5 Out Of 5

I Saw The TV Glow (2024)

a review by Evan Landon

It is always an interesting way to slip in metaphorical references into a television show inside of a movie. It's a tricky tight rope to walk and it takes a lot of discipline to lasso concepts such as this and nail it to ground so the creativity maelstrom does not lift the entire idea into the atmosphere or another dimension of some kind. The paradoxical inference of self-reflection is also an extremely difficult story to tell. If that sounds convoluted, that's because it is on purpose. I'm not really here to discuss “modern art” with anyone, so let's move on.

A lot of the movies we have been forced to digest these days are so devoid of substance that you begin to wonder if your mind has been conditioned to habitually accept them. True artistry is a gift that should always be admired and very few major studios are able to capitalize on. Avant-Garde directors such as Alejandro Jodorowsky (El Topo, The Holy Mountain), David Lynch (Twin Peaks, Blue Velvet), and John Waters (Pink Flamigos, Seed Of Chucky) truly designed the genre decades ago and to compare I Saw The TV Glow to any of their cinematic art pieces may seem like a stretch (except for Seed Of Chucky, of course), but it is obvious that writer/director Jane Schoenbrun was definitely inspired by such films. Such aspirations should always be commended.

I Saw The TV Glow is about two isolated teenagers who find each, bonding other over a television show called “The Pink Opaque” which honestly would have been a better name for this movie. They find each other ten years later with one claiming that they had been inside the tv show that entire time. Through monologues and flashbacks, it is up to the viewer to decide if they had been or not. The dialogue somes out like Mumblecore and the less you know about that inexplicable phenomenon, the better. It's like an ASMR of someone holding their hand over the receiver when they are on the phone.

Since the film is of the strange and eclectic variety, it is difficult to pin down a lot of the artistic representations of its premise. I mean that in the nicest way possible. That is, by far, my favorite part of this movie. The term “egg-crack” has been used by Schoenbrun which is “a term for the moment in a trans person's life when they realize their identity does not correspond to their assigned gender”, so this is definitely an allegory for that. I am what you call a “cis male” and I had to look up what that meant for whatevs reason. I don't care. I know it's a touchy subject for some peeps, but I don't think you have to think about that when watching this movie because it is all over the fucking place.

What is strange about this movie is that it is an hour and a half long, but it flies by like it is nothing. At times, it comes off “preachy”, but I honestly could not tell you what all the preaching is about. Again, it is a very abstract movie. There are some strange cameos too. Fred Durst plays the kid's dad who pulls him from being sucked into the tv and the two leads from The Adventures of Pete & Pete play his neighbors. Justice Smith is just fine as a protagonist and he has some serviceable range as an actor. Brigette Lundy-Paine recites her monologues concisely, but there is no real feeling behind any of it. That has to be on purpose though, so whatevs.

Produced by Emma Stone and her husband, Dave McCary, I Saw The TV Glow has been very well received by the shoegazers, but not so much the box office as it only pulled in $5.3 million against a $10 million budget. Art haus projects like this rarely become an unanticipated hit and this one is no exception. I am admittedly a huge fan of A24 Studios, but this one was a miss for me.

My only advice when watching this movie is not to rewind it because you think you missed something. It will not help you.

2.5 Out Of 5

Dark Harvest (2023)

a review by Evan Landon

When this came out last year in 2023, this fantasy horror movie from director David Slade (Hard Candy, 30 Days Of Night, & Black Mirror: Bandersnatch) it flew very far under the radar; so much so, that it was only released at the legendary Alamo Drafthouse in Austin, TX for one night only two days before it was dropped to streaming. In fact, it was announced in 2019, but because of the whole unforeseen world shutting down (amongst other things), production had somewhat stalled and was then pushed back from 2021 to 2022, and then 2022 to 2023. There are a lot of stories just like that, so the indie films that were actually able to pull off their original release times were extremely fortunate.

What is Dark Harvest about, you ask?

Taking place during the 1960's, a small town in the rural midwest is celebrating its annual Halloween ritual called “The Run” in which the teenage boys of the town must stop a murderous scarecrow named “Sawtooth Jack” from entering the town's church before midnight and eat its candy insides or else the town will be decimated. The family also gets $25k, so that makes it easier for the parents of the kids to accept the dangers and allow the teens to go nuts. And nuts they definitely go. The story follows Richie, the brother of last year's winner, Jim, who is not allowed to join the “The Run” this year because a family member already won it the year before. The problem is that Jim has been missing that entire year, just like every winner before him.

Now, I know that sounds very farfetched, so if you see how complex of a premise this is, that just means the writer, Michael Gilio, tried his hardest to pack in everything he could in this little universe like an overstuffed burrito; so much of the story keeps falling out that you need a napkin to pick it up. Whenever a part would come up that made little to no sense what-so-ever, I would just remember that this is fantasy horror in its own little universe, a certain suspension of disbelief is warranted.

Speaking to the story, Dark Harvest was a originally a novel written in 2006 by Norman Partridge that won a bunch of literary awards that year in the horror category and it breaks down how the ritual works a whole lot better than the movie does. It would seem that Gilio did take a lot of liberties when writing the adaptation which would account for all the unexplained parts in the movie; explaining the rules of the “The Run”, why no girls are allowed to participate and only teenage boys, what makes them go insane, how nobody outside the town knows anything about this ritual, etc. Instead of adding some of those very important details could have definitely made the whole thing easier to understand, Gilio traded it for offing random teens that are never introduced that you could not give a shit less about. There was some pretty descent gore and “Sawtooth Jack” is pretty well done for being mostly CGI, so that is a definite plus.

Since it was dumped straight to streaming, it's difficult trying to figure out how to gauge a movie's profit margin exactly, but it did take just over $40 million to make, but looks a lot better than that dollar amount would suggest. I don't really care what critics think about anything, so I ain't looking that shit up. I will say this though: we need more movies with a wacky ass premise like this where you can tell everyone involved is having a great time being on the same page. Throw in some dumb ass teenagers getting mercked mercilessly and you got yourself a film, my friend.

Now, I am no psychic, by any means, but this could easily become a guilty pleasure for viewers in the years to come. Stranger shit has happened. Not as strange as the shit in this movie though.

3 Out Of 5

Small Soldiers (1998)

a review by Evan Landon

Since we are so close to the holidays in this year of 2024, I felt the need to speak about a highly overlooked movie that has only appreciated in value over time: Small Soldiers. If you have not seen this movie, I am certain you have heard of it. If you have not, no need to worry; I will not spoil what happens for you. The issue with that is because there really isn't anything to spoil because it does not stray too far from the path, as far as narratives go anyways.

I have no idea how Joe Dante makes such well-constructed movies. I say “makes”, but he has not put out anything since 2014's Burying The Ex, and if you saw that, I'm pretty sure you probably do not remember much about it. He never said he “retired” though, so he might make a short or something here and there. The filmmaker is 78 years-old, but he did make some pretty damn good movies such as The Gremlins, Innerspace, The Howling, and The Burbs in the 80's, so yknow the man is pure class behind the lens.

The premise of Small Soldiers is simple: A toy company is bought out by a defense contractor as a side hustle. Two toy designers are then commissioned to make two sets of AI toys that can “talk back” under a very strict deadline and when one decides to use military processors from the same company. The prototype soldiers break out of their packaging and begin hunting the peaceful alien toys in the streets with little to no regard for the innocent people in between. A teenager named Alan (who has a huge crush on the girl next door) witnesses them escape while he is working at his father's toy store and all hell breaks loose! Now, with the help of his crush, Alan must help the peaceful “Gorgonites” toys at the expense of war against the blood-thirsty “Commando Elite” before they go to battle with the entire world.

I do remember when this movie came out too. I was in high school and these kind of movies did not really capture my attention. Not to say that I did not enjoy subversive, ironically absurd movies, it was just that this one was one I was not quick to go out and see because I thought it was stupid before even watching it. There was no real comparison to Gremlins or Puppet Master that I was able to connect with back then, but I was a pretty thick kid. I'll admit that.

There is so much that happens in every single scene, that despite its absurdity (which is apart of its charm), there is always dialogue that places tongue firmly in cheek. From the mother asking her son if he is on “crank” or “crystal meth” jestfully in a kid's movie to the Commando Elite weaponizing Spice Girl's “Wannabe” as psychological warfare, this movie knows exactly what it is doing from the very start and sticks the landing perfectly.

I suppose I should speak to the elephant in the room, and mention something about the dangers of AI and the privatization of government official's availability for hostile corporate takeovers as a side hustle, but that is a little too many politicking that my brain cannot begin to compute. It is there, however, and done very tastefully while giving you a good unexpected belly laugh.

The insanely talented cast is not just the live actors consisting of a young Kirsten Dunst, Everwood's Gregory Smith, comedians David Cross, Jay Mohr, Dennis Leary and the late Phil Hartman, but also features an all-star cast of voices of the “Commando Elite” and the “Gorgonites”, with such heavy hitters as Tommy Lee Jones, Frank Langella, Bruce Dern, Harry Shearer, and Michael McKean just to name a few. Christina Ricci and Sarah Michelle Gellar also lend their voices as “Barbie”-esque dolls turned psycho killers that the kids have to take out as well. Legendary character actor Dick Miller even serves as a surrafate for Joe Dante himself, so that should get all my horror, mutant, and monster fams excited to boot.

All in all, Small Soldiers is somewhat forgotten in the realm of live action/animated movies at a time when it was just figuring itself out and it definitely deserves to be a lot higher. After only pulling in $71.8 million against a $40 million budget, it cannot be considered a success, but it isn't a bomb either. It is in it's own little category, once again.

Like most of the movies I love to cover, this gem has found itself a cult following and you should catch it sometime and appreciate it today because we don't get movies like this anymore. There weren't many like it before either, so there you go. Well done, my friends. Well done.

3.5 Out Of 5

Of Unknown Origin (1983)

a review by Evan Landon

When I first started watching Of Unknown Origin, I was excited because I am a huge fan of both George P. Cosmatos and Peter Weller, who would later team-up again for 1989's Leviathan. The latter being one of my favorite movies of all-time, my interest was definitely peaked. Unfortunately, Of Unknown Origin is no Leviathan.

What Of Unknown Origin is, however, is a fever dream of a stressed out man who begins a personal battle with a rat as his family deteriorates due to his overcomitted approach to building his career which happens to be... well, building buildings. I thought it would be about aliens or something, but no, the title refers to how rats are defined in the dictionary. Yup. The entire movie is about his battle between himself and an almost supernatural rat infesting his newly renovated brownstone house. If you don't know what a brownstone house is, it's a style of house mostly found in the Northeast United States and Canada that is made from a Triassic-Jurassic prehistoric sandstone. Interesting, right? Not really. Neither is this movie.

Based off of a 1979 book called The Visitor by Chauncey G. Parker III, it was adapted for the screen by Brian Taggert who did not take too many liberties with the original property, but did infuse a bit of his own experiences with his own stepfather to round out the main character. I say main character, but Peter Weller really is the only character. Well, him and some crazy close-ups of a greasy rat that may or may not have been in the same scenes as him. This is listed as Shannon Tweed's first movie too as his wife who leaves for vacation at the beginning, so she is barely even in it.

Speaking of Peter Weller, he actually won an award for his tour de force performance here, uneasily walking a fine line between a man possessed and a middle-aged man going through a crisis that comes off almost comically. The way Cosmatos pitched it to Weller was that of a survival story. Weller said his character and the rat paralleled each other and that it was "the ambition of the guy with his job draws comparisons to the guy who is trying to kill this rat at the expense of his house. The theme of it all is to survive at all costs." I think they both put way too much thought into it.

Of Unknown Origin is fun in a campy, absurd way, yet its overall appeal in that sense is betrayed by the way it seems to take itself way too seriously. You never get a chance to see how big the rat truly is, but it beats the shit out of Weller on multiple occasions and kills his cat. If they had ended it where it was all in his head, that would have changed the ending, but at least it would have been more memorable. Seeing him all decked out in hockey gear with a bat with nails in it just like Negan's “Lucille” from The Walking Dead is a treat though, I will admit that.

Pulling in a paltry $1.1 million (U.S.) versus a budget of $4 million (CAD), Of Unknown Origin remains relatively unknown to this day, just like it was to most audiences upon its release which is never something to celebrate, yet here we are.

Stephen King does say it is one of his favorite horror movies of all time though, but I think that says way more about him than it does about this film.

2 Out Of 5

SMILE (2022)

a review by Evan Landon

Upon seeing the initial trailers for this 2022 supernatural psychological thriller, I was immediately intrigued. Where else had I seen the same fear of people smiling at me right before they off themselves, then like a demonic virus, it makes that person kill themselves too? Now, I am sure there is a movie just like that somewhere, but my point is that I cannot remember one. That being said, I was quick to run and go see it in the theaters. Boy, howdy, was I not disappointed!

Before I get too far into this review, have you ever realized how close the genres of horror and comedy actually are? I mean, aside from the entire horror/comedy sub genre that is wildly popular these days, you see a lot of comedic actors in horror movies and horror movie actors in comedy, for whatever reason, and it works. I don't know why, but it works. That is not to say Smile is in any way a comedic horror, but there is an unsettling feeling when someone smiles or laughs maniacally as they do in this film. I want to say that is exactly what first time director Parker Finn was going for here. His only film credits up until was a short called The Hidebehind (which I did enjoy) and another called Laura Hasn't Slept which is essentially the short film/prologue Finn made before Smile that starred the same character & actress that is the first victim in this one. That really is cool how they overlap like that. It kind of does that in Smile 2, but I'm getting to far ahead of myself.

The plot is a bit convoluted, but that does not mean it is bad, by any means. Far from it, in fact. After witnessing one of her patients (the before mentioned Laura) slashing her own throat in her office whilst smiling at her maniacally, Dr. Rose Cotter begins to have hallucinations that there is an entity haunting her through that experience. Most notably is the exact same grinning smile her patient had accompanies each episode, causing her to fall further and further into insanity, destroying her relationships and forcing her to confront her own guilt that made her want to be a therapist in the first place.

For me, Smile is a reflection on mental health and a commentary on the practice itself. Sure, there is a demonic spirit causing peeps to un-alive themselves, but that could also be interpreted as a person falling deeper and deeper into their depression and self-induced hallucinations based wholly on past events that resulted in an overwhelming sense of guilt. That is a very powerful thing that a lot of people take for granted. How complex our minds are is probably the most important thing to take away from this film because it is never revealed if it these events are taking place in our good doctor's head or if it is a demonic presence. Surely, nobody else sees what she sees, so the other characters believe she has lost her shit... And, well, yeah. She has.

You cannot make a good movie without a good cast and that is why the casting for this is A+ all around. Every character in this movie that is on camera is so fucking good, I have no idea how describe it any finer than “perfect” and that is super hard to pull off, so hats off to Sosie Bacon (yes, the daughter of Kevin Bacon & Kyra Sedgwick) who really carries a film with so much talent enhancing the story in every scene. It's unbelievable. Also, highlight performances from my boy Kyle Gallner, as her ex-boyfriend/police officer and Robin Weigert as her own personal therapist. Some of those scenes are unforgettable.

I feel like I am writing a paper for some post-graduate course, but maybe that is what this is. I cannot really say too much more about it without giving away plot points and the reasoning behind them without betraying the overall structure of this well-constructed screenplay. It gives nothing away that is not meant to be and it tracks so logically for a movie working with such delicate narration.

I gotta stop loving this movie. Other films are going to get jealous. I do not know how to end this, but let's just say it did extremely well ($217.4 million against a $17 million dollar budget) garnering itself a worldwide release, a sequel, and a whole franchise for years to come.

It could not happen to a better movie.

4.5 Out Of 5

A Different Man (2024)

a review by Evan Landon

There are a lot of A24 Studios fans out there that will eat up most of everything they release, and if I was a cynical person, I would say that I am the same as all of them. It would be easier for me to talk about movies that I did not enjoy by them because they have a tendency to knock whatever movie they choose out of the park. Sometimes, A24 will give you their artistic take on some of the topics that multi-million dollar studios refuse to even pay attention to because they cannot see what they have in front of them; they only care about how much money it could possibly make them and that is why they fail as often as they do. You cannot just double down every single time you fail and expect to get your head above water.

I am happy to inform you, dear reader, that this movie was one of the most intriguing, well-written films that I have seen all year. It will be rough not being able to add this to my Top 10 Bestest Films of 2024 because I am reviewing it now, but that is still a few weeks away. Why is it so good? Let me tell you why.

If you are unfamiliar with the film, it depicts the story of a disfigured man who goes through a surgical procedure to appear normal to others, all the while helping a woman who is directing a play based around his experiences. Once he peels his face off, he realizes that nobody truly recognizes him, so he decides to pretend to be a different person because he wants to start over in his new skin. One of these relationships he attempts to reconstruct is that of the play director as he attempts to star in her play in the role she created in his likeness. The problem is that he is not a trained actor and it is not until he wears a plaster of his old face that she not only casts him, but begins a romantic relationship with him as well. Things become even more complicated when a man suffering from the same exact affliction he was comes into their lives and takes over his part and this new life he had built for himself, leading to a series of events that unravel his lies of conceit, rage, and jealousy.

What I found interesting about this psychological thriller is how it did not rely heavily on its gore or special effects; in fact, the actor playing both characters at one point in the script did not even have make-up applied. Writer and director Aaron Schimberg was able to utilize the talents of actor Adam Pearson's very real affliction with neurofibromatosis (say that ten times fast) to make a wondrous meditation on what it means to be beautiful and how to accept who you are despite any and all setbacks. The script is able to convey deep, philosophical musings at its core without coming off preachy or pretentious, thus also allowing the viewer to metaphysically look inwards without turning away from any scene in disgust.

Also, very huge praise to Sebastian Stan, who portrays the man character and is able to not only display both characters seamlessly and calculated, but is able to express every emotion without the exposition that would accompany such a part. I never thought I would say that, yet here we are. Kudos, good sir.

Although its budget is difficult to pin down, it is conservatively between $500k and $600k, but it pulled in a box office of $1.2 million and A24 Studios rarely care about that sort of thing when they tell introspective stories such as this. They make their money in other films when they hit, such as Everything Everywhere All At Once, Civil War, Talk To Me, and Hereditary, which all did very well critically as well. This one falls somewhere in betwixt their eccentric arthaus production decisions that we cinephiles find so intriguing.

Movies should be made with much more care such as this and not just throw a bunch of money at a shit movie with a dozen writers and directors with little regard to the audience. This one really won the pony for me.

4 out of 5

Beetlejuice Beetlejuice (2024)

a review by Evan Landon

In spite of Hollywood attempting to assassinate every semblance of my childhood, this time they incorporate the biggest slayer of children's dreams, Tim Burton, to take a giant shit on the forehead of one of his greatest creations: Beetlejuice. Was it really his to begin with though?

After working together on an episode of Alfred Hitchcock Presents entitled “The Jar”, Larry Wilson and popular novelist Michael McDowell wrote a first draft of what would be known as Beetlejuice and showed it to Tim Burton who liked it, but was already involved in other projects. The first draft was much darker than the more comedic version that would be released to the audience, so after Universal Studios passed on it, The Geffen Film Company offered $1 million and had it rewritten by Warren Skaaren with a brighter tone. It turned out so well (despite McDowell's objections to his script rewrites) that Burton asked Skaaren to work on his Batman screenplay after original writer Sam Hamm was unable to complete it because of hs contract.

A lot of characters were not able to reprise their roles from the first film either due to a few reasons: Sylvia Sidney, Robert Goulet, and Dick Cavett had all passed away, as well as Glenn Shadix who suffered a strange and questionable fate (look that one up). I am certain we all know about Jeffrey Jones's deplorable actions, leading to his character wandering around the afterlife as just a pair of legs because he got bitten which sounds ludicrous in half by a shark. The most notable absences has got to be Alec Bladwin and Geena Davis, who portrayed the main characters in the first film, for some reason that is never explained. They missed out on that plotpoint.

I don't know how else to put this, but this movie should never had been made. We live in a world of fucking remakes and shit. This one was actually going to be called “Beetlejuice Goes To Hawaii”, but someone scratched that interesting, farcical idea for this obvious, unnecessary cash grab.

No shots at Michael Keaton because who knows what that man has been through his entire life, but when he will sit down to talk about it, you might listen. He was ecstatic about taking this role though, so I will be kind. At least he and everyone else is having fun. Does that mean it was a success?

The answer is a resounding YES: Beetlejuice (twice) did extremely well at the box office scoring $422.2 million against a $100 million budget. So everyone can throw that in my face someday, but I stand by the fact that it had very little to offer except a paycheck for everyone ready to resurrect an undead fanbase.

At least Jenna Ortega is in it, so that is a plus. There are worse things to watch.

2.5 out of 5

Incident In A Ghostland (2018)

a review by Evan Landon

In most cases, you will see a trailer for a movie, or hear someone speak to it, and you know everything that is going to happen. I know somebody that will look up what happens in a movie whilst they actively watch it, to which case I have absolutely no idea why. Like, what is the point in watching the movie? I don't know. Then, there are movies that you have never heard of that come out of nowhere and smack you up the side of the head as if you were a little doll. If you know, you know.

Now, I have been ambushed and pleasantly surprised before, but never like this for a very long time. Upon viewing, there is a chance that this could be the usual home invasion movie, but it is way different than that. It is that, but it is a lot more. Let me try to explain the plot without giving away too much: a successful horror author must return to the house where her family was assaulted in order to help her sister who has the same nightmares of the event. I can't tell you too much more without spoiling it.

As far as the story goes, this one is fantastically written, which truly is a breath of fresh air for me. It is strange for a French Canadian psychological horror movie to pull that off, considering they do not usually speak very good English. Except for the mom because she had a thick one, but that was nixed out at the beginning allowing the viewer to think it was Canada or something and her kids did not like speaking French. That is a thing, but that little plot hole got filled real quick. I appreciate that.

Right off the bat, there is not really anything to set Ghostland apart from your usual family trip gone bad, but when the twist happens about halfway through, you begin to see what kind of original film this is. That was around the time it reminded of me of Martyrs, which is fair because it is made by the same writer and director, Pascal Laugier. The two films are more different than they are the same, but more alike than the American remake they did of that one, for some ungodly reason. The gore is not nearly as fleshed out as Martyrs, but it does not need to be because this story does not circle around it the same way the other one does. There is enough to be upset about in this one, believe me. There is one scene in particular that had me wincing a bit, so if any of you ever see this, let me know if you had the same reaction.

Something interesting I found out in my research was how the actress who played the younger version of the sister, Taylor Hickson, sued the production company over an incident where she was directed to band on a glass window so hard that it broke and sliced her face so bad that it disfigured her. I am not sure if that has anything to do with the fact that no one involved in that case back in 2018 has done anything noteworthy since then, but I am sure that it did not help.

I really liked this movie and if you do not know anything about it, keep it that way because it was such a pleasant surprise to me. In the end, isn't that more fun?

4 Out Of 5

LONGLEGS (2024)

a review by Evan Landon

“You've got the teeth of the hydra upon you
You're dirty, sweet and you're my girl"

Those T. Rex lyrics from their hit “Bang The Gong” open the film, written across the screen, then the credits play their song “Jewel” right after. In fact, there is pretty decent soundtrack to Longlegs, despite the long, drawn out absences between tracks. In fact, the score was composed by Elvis Perkins (the filmmaker's brother) credited as his alias, “Zilgi”. Don't ask me what that word means because I have no clue.

Horror really has had a resurgence these past few years. Once Disney and Hollywood started fighting over who could make a shittier remake or reboot, the customers stopped showing up because it was just the same old bullshit that has been regurgitated so many times it would taste last week's salmon dinner creeping back up after a night of chugging Goldschlagger. Now, just to be clear, horror has been guilty of that very same thing with A Quiet Place: Day One, The First Omen, The Strangers: Chapter One, and Alien:Romulus, just not as bad as major studios. Nosferatu should be pretty good though; I have a lot of hope for that one.

Writer and director Osgood “Oz” Perkins (actor Anthony Perkins's son) has a masterful control of pacing and camera work that seems to just come naturally to the fifty year-old. Maybe it was growing up around all of the Psycho films as a child, but listening to him discuss his father in Shudder's Queer For Fear series, one can truly understand his passion for each one of his projects like The Blackcoat's Daughter, I Am The Pretty Thing That Lives In The House, and Gretel & Hansel which I covered a few years ago.

In Longlegs, we follow clairvoyant FBI agent Lee Harker as she is commissioned with hunting down a killer who writes notes in demonic symbols at the locations of serial murders where the entire family is killed by the father. Got that? Tough, because there's more. Known only as “Longlegs”, the supernatural element is raised when Harker realizes that all of the families had a 9-year-old daughter born on the 14th of the month, the murders all occurred within six days before or after the birthday itself, and the murders form an occult triangle symbol on a calendar, with one date missing. She also recalls the man known as “Longlegs” in her own childhood that ties her and her highly religious mother to the very murder-suicides she is investigating.

Getting back to the overall pacing, Longlegs gets a lot of criticism for that very thing, but the way it utilizes the cinematography by Andrés Arochito is seamless. The stark nature and loneliness of 1990's Oregon is on full display. Even the carefully crafted shots inside her cabin are based upon a fixed perspective (that Stanley Kubrick was well-known for using) allows the viewer to not only feel the isolation and existential dread of the characters on screen, but for the audience to focus on things happening in the background. It is truly a masterclass in editing that follows the main character in an almost omniscient sort of way.

Maika Monroe pulls off another great performance as Agent Harker, after nailing being the main protagonist in such modern classics as It Follows, Villains, and The Guest, solidifying her as one of the finest “scream queens” of our time. Alicia Witt brought back her freaky Alia Atreides vibes as her strictly evangelistic mother who really knows how to convey a multi-layered character.

My only issue is Nicolas Cage. Don't get it twisted; I love me some Nic Cage. I just burst out laughing when I saw him in this. The make-up looks like someone left bologna on a flat-iron grill, put sauerkraut on it, then threw powdered sugar all over it. “There ya go, Nic!” the make-up artist would exclaim everyday at work, never once quite sure if she did a good job. I don't know, he kind of takes me out of it and that sucks because I love that dude.

Longlegs had some very long legs at the theaters (giggity) as it was reportedly made for less than $10 million, but made $100.7 million at the global box office. It should have some longlegs for years to come, as well. See? That shit just writes itself.

4 Out Of 5

Alien: Romulus (2024)

a review by Evan Landon

Upon starting the Villainous Cinema movie hour and podcast when 100.1 fm WERK was on 94.7 Gainesville a decade ago, I had essentially given up my life as a musician and resign to begin the next part of my life, mainly writing and discussing films. It is a little sad, somewhat disappointing for some, but I have accepted that those days are over and I have accomplished what I needed to do as a musician years before.

I only bring that up because one of the first movies covered was Don't Breathe which was Fede Álvarez second outting as a fimmaker after 2013's Evil Dead reboot. Was it a reboot or a remake? I don't think that matters. Either way, Don't Breathe & Don't Breathe 2 truly are his only two completely original films and I did not care for them. His Texas Chainsaw Massacre from 2022 left a lot to be desired, as he only wrote the story, but produced that one too. However, he appears to be a very competent and passionate director that you can sense in almost every single scene he shoots when he wants to be.

What is a pleasntly welcome change in course direction for the franchise is how this movie has been hailed as a ressurgence of the series. Of course, the film almost entirely stars Gen Z actors which gives it a whole new audience that can make up for the ones who saw the original 1979 Alien film and have either passed away or passed on the entire series after a few lackluster entries. Sure, there are always going to be detractors for anything, but the reception for Alien: Romulus has been mostly positive.

In this installment, we open with the Weyland-Yutani corporation cleaning up the remnants of USCSS Nostromo in search of the xenomorph that they had been unknowingly sent there to bring back in the first film, as the setting in this one is between the Alien and Aliens films. Well, a group of twenty-somethings, including an orphan named “Rain” and her slow-witted android, “Andy”, decide to grab some cryo-pods from a corporate space station in orbit to escape the industrial hellhole planet they inhabit before the sation crashes into the rings surrounding the planet (which looks cool as fuck btw). As you would expect, a whole catalog of horrifically stupid decisions are made and chaos ensues with plenty of plot devices and call backs to pacify even the most opinionated of fans. Most of them, anyway.

For myself, it has been a long time since 2012's Prometheus that I did enjoy, even though it is not looked on as so much apart of the Alien franchise and more of a Ridley Scott wankfest. Some people actually consider it more favorably when it is imagined as it's own stand-alone picture and that is alright too, I suppose. Álvarez wrote and directed Alien: Romulus, so his devotion to the other films is on full display here, as Easter eggs for each one can be found throughout it's run time that serves as both fan service and padding. That is where I think it kind of falls apart for me storywise towards the third act, but I won't spoil what happens here because it is so new. The third act just seemed excessive and superfluous to the entire story leading up to that point.

Some of the glaring plotholes are forgivable for me, pesronally, as I have gone on record saying I do not mind batshit insane story points because those are the kind of movies I watch on the regular. This one seemed like Álvarez was trying to do a little too much fan service for my taste. It is still one of the bestest entries in a somewhat dying franchise because producers Ridley Scott and Walter Hill decided there needed to be another to keep this thing on life support, so this is the product of such an endeavor by talented, yet misguided moviemakers.

Needless to say, Alien: Romulus has yet to be finished at the box office, but as of today it sits at $118.7 million against a modest budget for a film like this of $80 million, so it is already a moderate success and should pull in another $50-80 million worldwide before it is all said and done, but those are merely projections, so we will have to wait and see if that is the case.

Despite all of those shortcomings, the first two acts are pretty bad ass, even if it has astonishingly extrenuous use of a super-imposed Ian Holm on an Ash look-alike for some reason that I am still struggling to understand. Just make a new android and give another actor a chance to shine like they did with Andy. I don't know. That would have made a lot more sense to me.

3.5 Out Of 5

MaXXXine (2024)

a review by Evan Landon

The third and final entry in Ti West's X trilogy sees Mia Goth step into the executive producer seat alongside Jacob Jaffke, Harrison Kriess, West, and the late Kevin Turan (who unfortunately passed away in November 2023). It ties up the 3 films pretty well, as it takes on not only the depitction of cinema's influence on society, but it does it with tongue pressed firmly in cheek alongside organized religion undertones and it's effects on the entertainment industry.

In this one, we find Maxine (the final girl from the first film) in 1985 Hollywood, where she is moving on from the pornography industry to B-Movie sequels. This particular film is titled “Puritan II” and she has scored the lead which she believes will be her ticket out of doing peep shows and porn for money. She does not care about that, however; she wants to be a star and she will accomplish it no matter what, despite the very real “Night Stalker” (no, not Kolchak) on the loose. Her problem is not that killer, but another one who has hired a pesky private investigator to threaten her with the porno she made in X. As her new friends start dying, she must find out who is killing them and trying to blackmail her before it is too late.

What is a shame is that I did not find Mia Goth as engaging as she usually is. She is great, do not get me wrong, but she seems much more subdued in Maxxxine than in the other movies. I had to squint pretty hard to tell if it was Kevin Bacon behind that strange Cajun accent, so I guess he was fine and Giancarlo Esposito was barely in it. Michelle Monaghan and Bobby Cannavale are just fine too as the detectives sent to investigate if the murders were in connection to the Night Stalker's, but that is really the only acting worthy of note. In Pearl, it was easier to disguise the poor acting because of how over the top Goth's performance was, but in this her character is more subtle to the point I wonder if she is just phoning it in with all the other parts she has been tackling.

What sets this one apart from the other films in the series is mainly the setting, but that is apart of the trilogy's agenda and charm. What does not set it apart from a lot of other slashers released these days is that very same thing. Countless modern horror flicks, such as The Neon Demon, Climax, Enter The Void, even the remake of Susperia pay homage to the “giallo” subgenre - which is awesome! It should and it does. My point is that there are a lot of them, so it fits in more with those than it's own series.

As far as the kills and the gore, it lacked a lot and felt like they held back a lot, but I suppose they did a lot of that in Pearl. Some of it happens in a weird cut scene and when it doesn't, it is off screen, except for a good ole castration. That did make the cut.

A24 must have learned their lesson with Pearl because Maxxxine only cost $1 million, as opposed to the $8 million spent on Pearl. X also only cost $1 million (I say a million like it's nothing). Cleaning up $20.4 million at the worldwide box office, Maxxxine is the highest grossing of all three films.

With all it's glitz and glamor, Maxxxine misses the mark here and there, but when it does hit, it knocks it out of the park. There are some very good scenes that tie what seems a little incoherent at times better to the main plotline, but Goth just seems checked out most of the time, so some of it seems lost. Again, that might just be her character. Either way, it's a strange decision.

3 Out Of 5

PEARL (2022)

a review by Evan Landon

Needless to say, if you have never seen X, it would behoove you to do so before reading this review. If you have not or you just do not care if I ruin this movie for you, let's just chalk this up to a faux pas on your part because this might be the only warning you get for these next two paragraphs and possibly both movies because I might as well run the gamut with this trilogy. You have been warned!

So, after meeting her demise at the hands of Maxine at the end of X, not much was known about the elderly antagonist of the film, Pearl (both played brilliantly by Mia Goth). What we did learn was merely inferred; she was an elderly, psycho-bitch that was jealous of the porn stars fucking in her guest house. Simplicity sometimes is the medicine that a story needs. Well, even though it was not really needed, or given enough time to even be warranted, we get the character's entire backstory!

There really should not be any unnecessary prologues or unplanned sequels, so it is nice to see one that had planned and green lit before the studio even really knew what kind of franchise they had on their hands. That takes some balls right there. Kudos, A24. God, I love them. Never change!

In this story, Pearl is a young girl living on a farm in 1918 Texas with her German immigrant parents, dreaming of being a star of the silver screen whilst her betrothed is away at war. Through a number of very psychotic episodes, such as bathing in front of her paralyzed father, almost pushing him into the nearby lake for the gator to chomp on, humping a scarecrow, smashing baby eggs, then ultimately leveling up to murder, we see the depraved human that grows up to be the elderly, murderous psychopath introduced to the viewing audience in it's predecessor.

I like this one for a lot of reasons, mostly because of how even though it is in the same universe, it has a different feel completely than X. From the soundtrack and music stings to the shooting the entire thing in being shot in technicolor, the whole thing takes on the production-style of a wartime picture. They even do the same screen wipes the pictures would do for serials of the time. Listening to cinematographer Eliot Rockett speak to how and why they used the equipment they did for certain shots for the desired effect is really interesting, but I won't list it all here. It is interesting though.

It would not be a proper review of this movie if I did not mention how amazing Mia Goth is as an actress. Dear Lord, this woman can act! She has really came into prominence with this series of films, so I do not see her falling off any time in the near future. The way she pulled off playing both versions of “Pearl” and “Maxine” is seamless. In X, you couldn't even tell it was prosthetics to make her age into the older version until you start looking for that in particular. She gets a co-writer credit for Pearl because it was put together rather quickly to film back-to-back with X when writer/director Ti West found out about the COVID shutdown. You can clearly see and hear it in her 6 minute monologue at the end. Her maniacally staring into the camera whilst the credits roll is also one of the most unnerving, imaginative things I have seen a film do in a long time.

At $8 million, the $10.1 million return at the box office does not reflect how many people actually saw it due to the world shutting down over the world crisis. A lot of movies and movie theaters suffered for it, whether you agree with the worldwide mandate or not.

Kudos on the production and screenplay put together in such a short amount of time. It looks like it was thought out way ahead of time which makes it super special to me. This is how one does a prequel.

3.5 Out Of 5