Top 10 Worstest Films of 2024
a review by Evan Landon
Before we get to the list, let's remind ourselves of a few things:
This is just my personal list, so take from that what you will. Or better yet, just make your own! Fuck it.
There were a lot of movies that came out last year, so no, I did not see every single one.
If I did a review on it already this year, it will not appear on any lists I make because I already did it. If you think I am missing something, it is most likely somewhere in there.
Most lists have a lot of major studio films on their lists, but they get enough promotion or enough shit from everyone else that they don't need mine. Like I just said, it has already been done.
So, without further ado, let's get to burying some of these 2024 turds because there certainly was a lot. No need to worry, however, because I will be posting my TOP 10 BESTEST OF 2024 after we throw these right into the bin. Let's go!
10) BLINK TWICE – I really do like Zoë Kravitz because I was always a fan of her parents, Lenny Kravitz & Lisa Bonet. However, despite those wonderful genes they passed on to her, she has not really been able to really translate that into being a filmmaker. That could with time though, so one of Time magazine's 100 most influential people of 2022 should be able to pull that out. What I thought was a somewhat original premise for Blink Twice somehow found a way to seem contrived and regurgitated. The unnatural pacing along with the uninteresting characters packed into an already convoluted plot not only serves to bewilder the viewer, but also bore them into wishing the plot would just unfold and get going which it never really does. With an ending that should result in celebrating with the main characters, it just ends up a mix of perplexing and downright irritating. A lot of peeps enjoyed this one, so make your own decision here.
1.5 Out Of 5
9) THE CROW – It has been very well documented how much I hate reboots, remakes, sequels, prequels, and re-imaginings, so it should be no surprise to anyone that one of the most maligned reboots of 2024 was this travesty would be on this list. Director Rupert Sanders was brought in after dozens of rewrites, actors dropping off, and even original The Crow director Alex Proyas attempting to stop the reboot because “It's not just a movie that can be remade. It's one man's legacy. And it should be treated with that level of respect” in regards to Brandon Lee from the first film and audiences felt the same way. The character of Eric Draven was completely misused, as well as the whole first half of the movie that is supposed to be a love story we give a shit about. The only reason it is not higher on the list is that I have seen worse versions of The Crow, but it is pretty bad anyways, so you could easily miss this iteration.
1.5 Out Of 5
8) THE WATCHERS – M. Night Shyamalan was not the only one who shit the bed this year, but somehow he was able to drag both of his daughters into it. We'll get to that later. Written by Ishana Night Shyamalan, this drab, conventional young adult tripe attempts to be interesting without giving any true substance for character, pacing, or continuity. What would seem like an interesting premise twenty or thirty years ago has been slap-dashed together so many times by her own father that anything resembling something like this will turn away any viewer that has been burned by as much before. Even the usual intriguing character acting by Dakota Fanning is wasted with such a dull, unoriginal and equally uninteresting story. Whatever “Shyamalan Twist” anyone is expecting is forecasted by anyone who has seen any of her father's movies. The nepotism is strong with this one.
1.5 Out Of 5
7) LISA FRANKENSTEIN – Holy hot damn, did this movie just make me want to turn it off as soon as I started it. This “horror comedy” is anything but either. Kathryn Newton is starting to make some interesting choice, as far as her career goes (I did enjoy Supernatural, Freaky, & Abigail), but this was excruciating. I honestly could not tell you what this fucking movie is about because I don't think it even knows. I think at one point it tries to become a musical, but then it realizes blending all of that shit into one movie is just fucking stupid. It feels like the production crew would tap each other's nutsacks saying they did an awesome job, but nobody really watched anything. I was so bored watching this movie, I started feeling bad for the Frankenstein monster because someone brought him back to life to relive this shit.
1.5 Out Of 5
6) NIGHT SWIM – Kurt Russell's son, Wyatt, is becoming a better actor in every performance, but when you put him in shit like this, it really does take the shine off of what could end up being a stellar career. Will it sink it before it even starts? I don't think so. That being said, I am definitely not the only person that disliked this movie. There is a very clear reason why people do not like this movie: it's because it sucks. If you look up what this movie is about, I promise you that all that it just says “haunted swimming pool” and if you think that is interesting, I can also promise you that it is not. This would have been much better as a short film, so I suppose watch the first half hour and spare yourself the agonizing hour long rest of the film... Or watch the rest of it, yknow. Whatever. It’s your life. Blumhouse Productions will make money off this bullshit until they don’t.
1 Out Of 5
5) THE END – Co-produced and starring Tilda Swinton, this nouveax musical apocalypse story struggles to have any sense of relevance under the weight of its own pretentious bullshit. I don't mind musicals, but this one literally put me to sleep because the lyrics to the songs are insipid to the point of boredom and the music itself is not that much better. Oh, yeah, everything a character feels or tries to portray is done completely through song and dance. Wrap your head around that shit. Trying to find anything likable about a family of rich assholes living in a bunker after it is revealed that they are the reason the world ended is one of the most worthless things anybody could do with their time. It is also two and a half hours long, so take that into consideration too.
1 Out Of 5
4) THE FRONT ROOM – I was pretty excited for this one when it came out because it is directed by the Eggers Brothers for A24, starring Brandy Norwood, and based on a short story by the writer of The Woman In Black. What I watched was probably one of the most bewilderingly gross out films about an incontinent, racist mother-in-law that raised more questions than anything resembling an interesting story. It has a pretty intriguing premise, it just shits the bed. Literally. I have no idea what kind of movie the brothers thought they were making because the tone is all over the place. You can tell some of the more raunchy scenes are meant for comedic effect, but I would not even consider anything in this film is even slightly humorous. You could easily skip this shitfest.
0.5 Out Of 5
3) TRAP – I am positive that anyone familiar with Manoj Nelliyattu “M. Night” Shyamalan is not at all surprised that his latest film shows up higher up on this list than his aspiring daughter, as he made this movie as a promotional film for his oldest aspiring daughter, Saleka Shyamalan. It has been years since Manoj has made anything worth watching, so he continues his downward spiral in this completely unrealistic thriller attempting to resurrect the waning career of one Josh Hartnett and kickstart the career of his eldest daughter. The likable actor is partitioned to play a serial killer who is beset by the police at a bland popstar's concert. With every scene that passes, the unrealistic machinations of this script becomes more and more laughable until you realize that you have lost an hour and a half of your life you will never get back. There is one scene where “Lady Raven”, after being captured by the admitted killer, that she has to play her song on a piano, then her recorded song plays over it, and then she steals the killer’s phone and hides in his bathroom to stream to her friends that she has been kidnapped. That is the real “Trap” here. Fucking nonsense and nepotism without a thought of a semblance of reality.
0.5 Out Of 5
2) BORDERLANDS – I don't even know where to start with this travesty. I saw this hot garbage with the lowest expectations imaginable and it was somehow worse. I remember playing the first Borderlands game when that came out back in 2009, but I honestly do not even remember there being a storyline at all which could have been a good thing because whatever it was they wrote for this shit just did not work on any level. In fact, the original writer asked to have his name completely taken off the credits after he read the dozens of rewrites. Everything Eli Roth makes is questionable at best, but this one really takes the cake as his absolute worst. Cate Blanchett and Kevin Hart are hideously miscast, Jack Black has never been more insufferable, and Jamie Lee Curtis plays Blanchett's mother which makes no sense at all because they are almost the same age. If you find any joy when watching this movie, I would immediately seek professional help because you are seriously unwell. I felt unwell just from the camerawork itself. Good thing I didn’t eat lunch beforehand.
0.5 Out Of 5
1) THE MOUSE TRAP – Originally titled Mickey's Mouse Trap, this Canadian slasher horror reimagining of Walt Disney's 1928 animated short, Steamboat Willie, and following in the dubious footsteps of last year's absolute hands down worstest movie, Winnie-The-Pooh: Blood & Honey (to which the sequel did come out), it seems to be that every unoriginal horror flick wanna-be filmmaker is just awaiting all of these intellectual properties to fall into the public domain so they can create something purposefully putrid such as The Mouse Trap. If you enjoy movies that are “so bad, they are good”, you might be able to enjoy this. I would love to be in that category, but this was so awful that it made me physically ill. However, in the very rare case that you enjoy this somehow extremely niche market of generic filth, you should be happy to know that there is a whole pantheon of this nonsense that some group of doorknob scholars are attempting to put together. For everyone else, just... no. Never again. I am done. I am tapping out with this nonsense. You guys can watch it if you want, but I regret to inform you that it will not get any better. If you want it to get worse, you are going to have to pay me to fucking watch this fucking nonsensical bullshit…
Fuck this. I am getting a drink. Happy New Year emoji
0.5 Out Of 5