The Batman (2022)
a review by Evan Landon
Before my time, Batman was on the television with campy noises, colorful characters, and was a hit even though it obviously did not take itself anywhere near seriously. Then Tim Burton gave us the “Dark Knight” version popularized by Frank Miller in the 80’s to which he in turn made the sequel even darker. Then it got really bright again! Then it got dark again. Now it is so damn dark, I could not even tell you what was happening even if I was able to stay awake for the 3 goddamn hours of this thing, so let’s just jump into it, shall we? Okay…
In 1998, a young man named Matt Reeves happily co-created a show called Felicity with a yet-to-be-famous young man named J.J. Abrams (no pun intended). Meeting for the first time when they were 13 years-old, the tandem started off transferring Super 8 films to video tape for one Steven Spielberg after airing some of their short films on Z-Channel, a public access network in Los Angeles circa 1981. The pair would soon amicably go their separate ways as to have careers of their own with the latter garnering more attention in Hollywood, but Reeves had his own plan: the Planet of the Apes remakes (not the Tim Burton one, but the sequels..? Not sure if those are sequels tbh)! He also directed the English version of the Swedish hit Let The Right One In called Let Me In, which should show us all where this highly-creative mind lies. Thus, an original darker take on the darker knighter version of “The Batman”.
Let's not beat around the bush here; this movie is soooooooo fucking looooooooooooong... Ugh. Like 3 hours long. No, seriously. Now, if you are good at math like I am, that is a total of 3 hours of total your life you will never get back. Unfortunately for me, I have seen this movie 3 times & fallen asleep every single time, so I think I have maybe seen 6 hours of it. However, here is what I have pieced together:
Batman/Bruce Wayne is just starting out as a brooding, sad, privileged, novice ninja/detective with a passion for justice.
The Riddler is a Saw-esque serial killer who merely wants to take out the 1% (i.e. Bruce Wayne)
The Penguin is very well done by Colin Farrell, but you could have just hired a stage actor from New York City instead of all the prosthetics.
The Catwoman is one Zoe Kravitz playing the Eartha Kitt version of the titular character popularized most recently by Halle Berry, minus the celebrity entitlement, of course.
This movie is basically the amalgamation of 3 movies in one, thus the 3 hour long episodes that barely connect, thus my falling asleep for 3 hours.
The problems with The Batman are not as simple as breaking down how characters should or would be framed, yet how nonstructural are denounced. It even lacks enough exposition to draw any cohesion as far as a plot would benefit from, so we are to infer most of what is happening from what we already know about these characters. All too subtle nuances aside, the film lacks any pacing, but instead drags on and on like a spool of yarn that never seems to end. If you asked “Bruce Wayne” how he felt about the crepe Gollum (yes, that is Andy Serkis) gave him, he would snarl & possibly cry in the corner for idk.. let us say 5 hours. This would easily elapse the run time.
What is truly lacking from this film is a sense of background of character. Our protagonist is not just an angry, entitled slave to his memories, he is a juxtaposed version of an emo goth “going-thru-a-phase” to which case borders on insecurity & rage. I kept waiting to see his mascara run just a bit.
Not My Batman.
Let's take Michael Keaton. He will be reprising his role as Batman after a long tenure of not taking roles that a Val or a George would choose. But why? He has already solidified himself as an incredible actor that not only is able to make fun of himself, yet somewhat notable for it. Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance) comes to mind. As harrowing as that is, let us look at the newest problem the Detective Comics Expanded Universe has in store for us (FYI: I will just be calling it the DCEU for short from this day forward).
Let's talk about Ezra Miller & the new Flash movie... Actually, no. Let's not.
The DCEU has been putting out movies that are as confusing as the construct: Q: is this a light-hearted romp or a dark, grisly thriller? The problem with The Batman is not only befuddlement of nuances, but categorically inane. Is he actually a hero or just someone going thru emotions as a teen? Is The Batman a guest star in his own movie or do the villains actually procure more? Further more, why did this movie serve as Benedryl during a fire drill..?
All are questions that may or may never be asked bc “The Batman” is a putrid film that stocks its praises upon weak-minded fanboys & anyone else who decides 3 hours of their life just ain't worth it.
FACT: I literally bursted out laughing when the dipshit police let a man dressed like that into a full-on crime scene after that murder. The entire audience shushed me, I chuckled once again, then I fell asleep. Again.
2 out of 5