UNSEEN (2023)

a review by Evan Landon

Ahhhh Blumhouse Productions. The cornerstone of true cinematic brilliance, offering such arthouse classics as Jem & The Holograms, Rock “The Dwayne” Johnson's Tooth Fairy, the Fantasy Island remake no one asked for, & all of those new non-Rob Zombie Halloween movies. Don't ever change, Jason Blum. I love you.

So this masterpiece focuses on a young woman (who has eyesight so bad, she is legally blind) named Emily who has been drugged & kidnapped by her ex-bf. We find out later that this guy is a know-it-all, TED talk guru named ehhhhh.. “Who-the-fuck-cares”, who is apparently psychotic and wants to kill his ex-gf. To be perfectly honest, after the first 15 minutes, I don't really blame him. Oh, & there is a chubby, suicidal gas station attendant who she accidentally calls because she cannot see what number she is calling. It's even harder to call the gas station attendant a likable character because the dialogue gives nothing except that as her character. I honestly had to look up who that actress was because I swear, I thought it was the same one that played Rose in those awful Star Wars sequels. *Spoiler alert – it was not.

Q: How many movies can I unsee?

A: Not this one, apparently.

The dialogue is droll, the acting is subpar, and I really hope they didn't think filming in a lot behind someone's house was the greatest idea. There is no character depth, besides semi-blind Emily (I only say this because it's the only line on the other end frantically saying her name in the entire scope of acting the other girl has) stumbling around in the forest talking to Non-Rose about what she would rather be doing with her time. That may be the most honest acting you will get in this movie aside from Missi Pyle, who has an inherent ability to steal every scene she is in, as a stuck up, entitled gold digger that talks a lot of shit to the gas station attendant that Emily just happens to cold call and proceeds to do everything except add something to the plot.

This is film debut for director Yoko Okumura who after seeing her picture and things she leaves on social media is probably why she cast “Not-Rose” in the part. You can't really get mad at a newcomer's first outing, but my brain is struggling to figure out what she saw in this script to take on.

Unseen was released digitally over MGM and Paramount streaming platforms, so it is difficult to get the numbers on production or how it performed. It did get relatively positive reviews, but I rarely pay attention to that. Most of the time I don't agree with what any “film critic” thinks because I like to form my own opinions; every once in a while, we agree. Unfortunately, this is not one of those times.

1 out of 5