Top 10 Worstest Films of 2023
a review by Evan Landon
When I was doing my Top 10 Bestest Films of 2023, there were a bunch of movies I had yet to see; so within my arduous journey, I stumbled upon an equal amount of gems and duds. Not every movie you watch or hear about is going to be amazing (unless a certain vegetable of a certain variety is shelling out $20 per article. I will never get over that), but I like to believe more than 50% of the ones that are lucky enough to be made are worth seeing. So, since I did my Top 10 Bestest Films of 2023, it is only fitting that I gave the lesser other half a what for.
Side Note: this list will be a lot like any other review I do because I am not going to mention any of the movies I did not actually watch. I only talk about movies I have seen and the movies I have seen are ones I wanted to watch, so there will be NO dog piling on any big budget movies because my lame ass is on a budget. It hurts to rank these because I honestly either wanted these movies to be good or they just missed the mark horrifically bad or not bad enough. I also decided not to put any other movies from this year that I have already reviewed.
Here are my Top 10 Worstest Films of 2023:
10) IT'S A WONDERFUL KNIFE – It's really going to be sad when the whole genre of holiday slashers goes away when we both know that the holiday slasher movies are NEVER going away! If they started 40 some odd years ago with “Black Christmas”, there will be no shortage of these films for the next 40 years, at least. It's kind of like a woke Canadian version of “Happy Death Day” with the main premise being “It's a Wonderful Life” (get it..?), but a slasher flick. It's so confusing in its plot and drab dialogue that you wonder if they were just making it up as they went along. You will see a lot of that in this list.
9) COCAINE BEAR – What a shocker that this one did not hit the mark. I mean that! This has all of the qualities that I love and admire: cocaine and a bear who snorts it, then mauls people. What's not to love?! Needless to say, a lot. Another time that an awesome premise falters in storytelling. It is Ray Liotta’s last movie though and they do dedicate it to him, so that could be a saving grace. Maybe. The expectations outweigh most of what my gripes are, but I have a strong feeling that most of it ended up on the cutting room floor because if you have no character development, it ends up being just that: barely a story.
8) THE POPE'S EXORCIST – These exorcism movies are really tired and played out tropes. Some are worse than others that have also made this nefarious list, but we will get there soon enough. Believe that! I did go into this one with my bag of popcorn and gummies in high hopes, howevs, after seeing Russell Crowe himself do an interview with The Critical Drinker and thought to myself, “Self, maybe you are being too harsh on these kinda flicks.” Surely enough, I was wrong, so much so that I know Drinker is biting his tongue not to talk about how bad this movie was. There's only one cool part at the end where a person literally explodes, but you can just catch that shit on YouTube. I think it was based on a book? I don't know. It's definitely based. Huge missed opportunity here.
7) CHILDREN OF THE CORN – Speaking of worn out tropes, can we stop remaking fucking movies already? It's almost as if every Hollywood executive sees something eye catching and just says, “Oh, I recognize that! Let's slap the same name on it and just recycle the recipe.” There you go. I'm not going to waste any more time on this pile of dogshit. “Children Of The Corn” didn't even really do that well in the first place which is continuously baffling because it has like a dozen sequels.
6) TOTALLY KILLER – Oh wait, I forgot to mention how many “time-travelling-neuvo-slashers” are trying to cash in. Welcome to the genre that shouldn't have existed, nor will ever die. If this gory, I would probably show it to somebody as an introduction horror movie but this lacks not only emotional or character depth that you honestly shouldn't be looking for in dreck like this. I was bated in by Sally Draper, but then remembered the actress was like six when she was in that role, so whatevs. Nothing against her. It is also made by the same that did “Happy Death Day” and “M3GAN”, so that would account for something if everyone else wasn’t trying to beat them to the punch, but this was a chore to watch. My advice is to skip it.
5) LEAVE THE WORLD BEHIND – What in the blistering fuck is this shit?! I honestly haven't felt more outrage since the latest Terminator bullshit they tried to feed me a few years ago. This was a novel. I want you to think about this when you're watching it. There is like Academy Award Winners in this; i.e, Julia Roberts, Mahershala Ali, I think Kevin Bacon is in it... Two and a half hours of nonsense directed at people I'm supposed to give a fuck about without any dynamics, acts, or storytelling at any time. Like I said, this is a novel. Think about that when you are watching this.
4) KNOCK AT THE CABIN – I don't want to say all of these movies suck all the time, but at this point you havta wonder what the fuck anyone is thinking getting a movie made by M. Night Shyamalan that is actually worth a shit. I'm sure he's a great guy and all, but seriously, dude. Seriously. This is also an apocalyptic movie that was made from a book that tries their hardest to contain it in fear of conservatives attacking liberals in some of the most inane, ridiculous exposition imaginable. Ron Weasley and Batista are in it too for some unknown reason, but I heard the book was worth reading from a few friends. That makes this another huge miss off something based off a book. I want you to remember that.
3) THE MACHINE – I am fairly sure that Bert Kreischer has me blocked, but if he hasn't yet, let's make this shit happen 2024! I think I got thru the first 3 scenes and decided suicide wasn't an option, so muscled through a few more. It’s based off Bert Kreischer’s made up story about being on some train with his Russian language class and ended up wanted by the Russian mob or some shit. He is the same guy who gives out tickets for people to see him in arenas when no one should or actively knows who he is, then will shit himself on stage to get internet views. No one wants to die over this movie. Please. Just don't watch it.
2) EXORCIST: BELIEVER – I told you. I fucking told you there was a worse “exorcism” movie somewhere lurking around. It's a sequel or whatevs, I don't even know or care anymore. Ugggh... Yknow what, I don't care. Watch it. Go ahead. If you have no idea what “The Exorcist” is, or is about, don't watch this shit. Seriously. Just watch the original again, or for the first time, and actually enjoy a decent movie. No this was not a book, but it is based off a based movie that is just basic that maybe this was a book at one time. There's no real gore either. I don't know, I feel like I could write an entire essay about how this abomination should never be stricken from public viewing. It should be used as punishable hot sauce dumped in somebody's eyeballs for thinking this is acceptable for trying to forget what happened last year. You should remember. It's important.
1) WINNIE THE POOH: BLOOD & HONEY – I fucking watched this movie. I have never hated my life more than ever watching it. I don't even want to ruin my search history finding out who made it or how much it made. Who gives a shit? They probably are making a sequel. A behind-the-scenes documentary of what these assholes were thinking would probably be more interesting. The kills are as bad as the characters for someone who waited for the rights to get back to public domain to use for God-awful dreck like this. Fuck off, Winnie The Pooh! Quote me. I'm done.