Pet Sematary: Bloodlines (2023)
a review by Evan Landon
Holy shit, I just realized Stephen King has no idea how to spell “cemetery.”
Y'know, when I was making my list of “Top 10 Worstest Films of 2023”, I did not get a chance to put this one in because I had not seen it yet. I had a sneaking suspicion that this one would not cut the mustard, though, but it is only fair to assess the movies I have seen. Well, surely enough, I finally watched this turd and I can easily say it would definitely had made that list.
First off, I know that some sequel bait can be fun to watch in the “oh how bad can it be?” way, but this is not that movie. Remaking old IP's is also getting tired, but that is just how Hollywood is too lazy to come up with something original. Even when it is original, they pad it with so many writers that it does not make a lick of sense. So what do they do? The newest form to save their pocket books: AI and I can almost assure you that this is a prime example. Hell, the name of the writer/director is Lyndsey Anderson Beer and I am almost positive her name is Lyndsey Anderson drinking a beer while AI does the rest. It is her first outing though, so thankfully it cannot get any lower.
There is not really anything else to say about this movie except it is a prequel to the remake of the original that was based off of a novel by Stephen King that even he disowned. The characters are so meh that you are never excited for the kills, nor rooting for any of the characters that are so forgettable that I honestly cannot tell you any of their names, even tough most of the dialogue is them saying another person's name. David Duchovny, Henry Thomas, Pam Grier, and Samantha Mathis are all in this movie too, but I could not tell you why they are there or what they are doing, much less what happens to their characters.
This actually could have been saved with some gore or interesting kills, but there is none worth even discussing because the ones you want to see have cutaways to the next scene that is so jarring, you think you missed something. *Spoiler Alert: at any time you think you missed something, you did not.
However, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that movies of this caliber go straight to streaming these days. The bad news is that this one is getting a follow-up prequel.
0.5 out of 5