Girl On The Third Floor (2019)
a review by Evan Landon
Okay…
Let me first start off by stating this: I am a huge fan of professional wrestling. I am also a huge fan of horror If that does not send you running to the hills and not hearing my opinion about this movie for those reasons alone and you are still here, I think you might have a clue about why I wish to speak on this film.
This movie stars a Phil “CM Punk” Brooks, who was a very popular professional wrestler somewhere around 5 years ago and left the business for a plethora of reasons I cannot fully get into right now. It is probably easier, for the uninitiated, to go ahead and look up any interviews or videos to which he speaks of his experiences. Long story short, he left to pursue other avenues of entertainment, such as mixed martial arts, writing comic books, and finally acting. Is he any good at any of these? Well, we’ll get into that in a minute.
I, myself, am a very big fan of the professional wrestler formerly known as “CM Punk” and fully commend him on trying out different ventures that interest him. Not very many people, successful nor otherwise, have the balls to do such a thing. I admire that in anyone, not just someone who I am a big fan of. That being said, I am somewhat biased in my opinion of him as an actor, writer, or anything else he attempts, even if it isn’t up to the standards I hold most to. In his defense, I will say that in this film, Phil “CM Punk” Brooks is trying his hardest to harness his inner Bruce Campbell, even bearing his own freshly shaven chin. He wore Mr. Campbell’s Evil Dead garb in the first few scenes as an obvious homage to the actor too.
Now, for the film, The Girl On The Third Floor. The story is a clusterfuck of ideas that seem very incoherent, shot on an obvious shoestring budget (to which I still cannot find an exact budget for at the time of writing this article) that was shot in a home that was in the middle of being remodeled in real life. Mr. Brooks does his best to carry the film, but without any acting chops to fall back on, it seems to be an exercise in futility. What is essentially a character driven film, all of the characters are so haphazardly slapped together that you end up caring little to nothing for them. What does carry this film, however, is the practical effects and gore that won it multiple awards at festivals this year. You better bet that they touted this fact when promoting the film wherever they could.
I won’t go into spoilers because even if I did it wouldn’t make much sense anyways, but the practical effects and camera shots are impressive. There are some very memorable scenes, but taken out of context the viewer is left wondering just what the fuck is happening immediately after seeing it. The ending is atrocious too which I could easily chalk up to the producers running out of money and ideas. My two major gripes in the script, for anyone still reading this far, is: 1. How did they buy a house that obviously has a third floor (thus the title), and 2. What are the motives of any of these characters to do anything they do in this film. Also, two words: Anal beads. If you see this movie, you will know what I mean. The less I say about that, the better.
So, the big question is do I recommend this film? Like I said, it is an obviously low budget movie that spent their load on practical effects which I absolutely adore. Any fan of that aspect in their horror genre, by all means, check it out specifically for that, even though it doesn’t really start picking up until the final half hour. For a 90-minute movie though, that ain’t half bad. For anyone who is not a fan of horror movies and loves a cohesive storyline and good acting, I say stay away. It is definitely a low budget, independent, haunted house of gore galore that refuses to relent as soon as it gets going. It is difficult to say if this movie will bomb or not because it was just released in theaters today, October 30th, 2019, but if I was a betting man, I would say there is a 90% chance that it will. I guess we will find that out together. In the meantime, maybe just go watch Evil Dead 2 again and don’t worry about seeing what this one is all about.
Again. Anal beads.
2 out of 5